Trust me, I would never take one step in the direction of Las Vegas during the summer if it weren’t absolutely necessary. But kids’ wedding plans can force one to do the unthinkable.

The trip south got off to an ominous start. While driving through Salt Lake City, I spotted a billboard which asked, “Where are you going, Heaven or Hell?” As we continued driving, the elevation kept dropping, and the temperature rose to well over 100 degrees, so the answer to that question slowly became obvious.

Las Vegas is crazy hot in July. When people there say it’s 110 degrees in the shade, they are not exaggerating. I know this because I sprinted from palm tree to palm tree in a desperate maneuver to get from my car to the hotel.

No living creature in its right mind, including the lizard I spotted lounging in the shade applying Blue Lizard Australian Sunscreen, would attempt to actually cross the asphalt parking lot in the afternoon.

If you are fortunate enough to reach the hotel front desk without suffering heat stroke, you soon realize that when you register for a Vegas hotel room online, the price it says that you will pay has no relationship whatsoever to the actual price that you end up paying. Like, if the hotel’s website exclaims “Luxury rooms for only $210!” that’s just some bored hotel employee’s idea of a joke. Ha, ha, ha, funny guys these hotel people.

One additional charge is something called “resort fees,” which are tacked on for certain amenities like pillows for the bed, lightbulbs for the lamps or running water.

The fee also provides you with access to the fitness center, which I can about guarantee you will have to yourself since it is difficult to jog on a treadmill with a phone in one hand and a vodka Red Bull in the other.

Remember the old days when all hotel rooms included a teeny-weeny pot to make coffee in the morning? Well, those days are gone on the Vegas Strip. Now they force you to journey clear to the main floor and purchase a $7 cup of Starbucks.

Another recent Vegas scheme to squeeze out visitors’ last penny and keep hotel occupants on edge is the placement of an array of junk food like Oreos, Skittles and Pringles front and center in the room.

Warning: Do not touch any of this stuff unless you intend to buy it! Each item is somehow electronically wired to set off a loud alarm and swirling lights down on the main floor along with a voice announcing, “Mike Murphy just exhaled on a bag of Skittles and will be charged accordingly.”

Same goes for all the alcohol items packed into the room fridge — touch something and you buy it. I tell you, I held my breath and tippy toed past that whole area for four days!

I found the heat at the Caesar’s Palace swimming pool area to be simply unbearable. Yet lots of people, mostly young, were soaking up the rays. Knowing what I know now concerning future skin issues for these folks, I’m surprised an enterprising dermatologist doesn’t set up shop right next to the lifeguard stand.

Outside near the pool area is where my son’s wedding was held. It got so hot there that when celebrants showered the wedding couple with rice, the rice cooked in midair, creating quite a mess.

Las Vegas appears to be a microcosm in a microwave of the entire country. On the one hand, you have people sleeping underneath stairways next to busy streets when it’s 110 degrees, while at the same time casino mogul Steve Wynn just sold one of his Las Vegas homes for over $17 million. Then there’s all the rest of us in between blowing money we don’t have, otherwise known as the middle class.

Lots of billboard ads for a variety of VERY well-seasoned entertainers dominate the Vegas Strip. I kept finding myself seeing some star’s picture and asking my wife, “Is he still alive?”

I know that’s awful. But when someone like Wayne Newton, who now looks nothing like the real Wayne Newton, is still performing, I can’t help but wonder if fans are really going to see him at his show or a hologram.

Then there are pictures advertising Rod Stewart’s live show. I saw him and his band Faces back in 1973, and I can tell you that, whereas Rod Stewart’s hair was the envy of many a young man back then, today it is the envy of many an older man!

Two weeks after returning home, one mystery that I’m still trying to figure out is why there was a phone hanging on the hotel room’s bathroom wall next to the toilet paper. Just seems like an odd spot for one to be calling from for room service.

If the Las Vegas infrastructure ever fails during the summer, knocking out the electricity and resulting in no air conditioning, we’ll likely see a massive migration of people heading north.

To do my part to help those fleeing the city, I will rent out a room for cheap — but I’ll definitely charge extra for Skittles.

Mike Murphy of Pocatello is an award-winning columnist whose articles are syndicated by Senior Wire. He published a book titled “Tortoise Crossing – Expect Long Delays,” which is a collection of 100 of his favorite columns. It is available on Amazon.com.

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